When facing adversity, you're always alone

There are moments in life when you will get tested beyond what you expected. Moments of transition with a lot going on, when your entire life gets rewired and there seems to be no firm ground under your feet. Yet, with everything you are going through, it seems that the universe still has one more surprise in store for you… You think you’ve been through a lot already, but an unexpected situation comes your way. Does that sound familiar?

When you’re going through a lot of challenges, you somehow become used to finding your way through things and become more cunning and astute. You go through situations one after the other, your zone of comfort widens and your tolerance levels increase. You think you’ve been through the lot and then when you are letting your guard down, when you think you can find comfort among those familiar faces, a blast will come from your inner circle, and that hurts. But, after reflection, the mistake you’ve made was to believe that your inner circle will be supportive. Expectation is the mother of disappointment.

No matter where you face adversity: at home, at work, in love, in business etc. there’s a tremendous amount of growth when things don’t go your way. You become grateful for the simplest things simply because you realise nothing is to be taken for granted. We get used to having things going our way, and if nothing comes to challenge us then we become weak. Because the world will test us at times, and it will be painful at times. But nothing is as painful as when it comes from those who are the closest to you. And that is because you thought they were there for you. But who is always there for you, except yourself?

One way to live one’s spirituality is to put yourself first. The love of self is the most important love in your life. We are told love needs to have an object that is outside of us: our lover, our children, our possessions, our health, our money etc. but all those things are transient and may be a source of disappointment one day. And the closer the person, the bitter the disappointment. But beware of trying to explain that to the average person, because when you explain that you ‘put yourself first’ people will conclude you’re selfish. I am not really sure how we got so confused about selfishness. We are told we should be selfless, put others first because that’s the heroic behaviour. Our culture and movies are full of those stereotype of people who are sacrificing everything for others. And to what glory, exactly? When you’ve given everything and nothing comes in return, you will be left in ruins.

But the love of self does not mean selfishness. It means that you need to meet your own needs first before taking care of the needs of others. It means you are taking care of being strong, with strong foundations, before you offer to hold space for others. That is common sense if you think deeply about it. But somehow we’ve glorified the act of putting ourselves last. Big mistake. Tragic mistake. Your responsibility is to look after yourself, it is nobody else’s responsibility. Building a life that makes you happy is your responsibility and nobody else’s: not your spouse, boss, mother or friends. We all live our own life and have a unique experience. Being responsible means you take charge of your life and stop blaming others for things among which “after all I’ve done for you, you are so selfish and don’t take care of me”. People don’t like to hear they do not come first, their ego feel damaged. They’d rather hear they are the most important thing in the world and will always come first even if it’s a lie, even if nobody can keep such promises . Funny…

What hurts a lot is when people come at you with their own vision of the world, their own opinion about what is right or wrong and project that onto yourself. They will not understand you and make judgements. But, do they need to understand? No, they merely need to accept. Likewise, when someone hurts you, it’s pointless to try to understand what belief about life or morality caused them to have acted or said what they did. You just need to practice acceptance. The acceptance that things are the way they are, and finding peace in it. Then you can start to let go. Forgiveness will follow. You know someone acted because of the sum of all their past experiences and their limited vision of the world—just like each one of us. Then it does not matter anymore. Then you can feel compassion for them. And you can move on with your life. The less baggage you carry, the happier you are. There’s no point holding grudges against this and that. But some people do that for years, they just can’t let go. In doing so they are only punishing themselves and are pleasing the small self in them. The human body store all that toxi energy and will develop dis-ease. Such a heavy tribute to pay just to refuse to let go…

Finally, I’ve often been amazed at the lack of empathy and compassion of some people. They are so rigid in their way of thinking, so self-absorbed and stuck in their righteousness that they simply cannot connect with another human being at an emotional level. They may know you are going through a difficult time, but that won’t stop them from being hurtful. The good news is that then, after going through that ordeal, not much else will surprise you and disturb your peace. When you get attacked, remember: stand your ground, keep breathing deeply, honour your boundaries and don’t let others treat you poorly. Be firm, open your heart, listen and trust that beneath that unpleasant experience lies a gift: to know yourself even more; to show who you are. You’ve passed the test. And you’ll realise that, in the end, you always face adversity alone. But once you’ve been through it, you will be ever so stronger.